I don’t often have the urge to deface public property…

…but a billboard had appeared on my route to work: I don’t know what it’s advertising, but it says “Think you’re as fast as an All Black?” and it has an electronic board attached which scrolls up names and times. The first one appeared to be “JUDITH O 42.07” (I may have misread that, I wouldn’t have thought there were many All Blacks called Judith, but I couldn’t be bothered to wait to see it again) and towards the end is someone whose time is 1.34. (I don’t remember it mentioning whether these are measured in seconds, minutes, hours or kalpas.) But anyway, I felt just vaguely insulted by the assumption that everyone in the country is aspiring to be a jock (even though most of the population of Auckland who aren’t being hauled around by a ton of metal are either jogging or cycling) and my nerdy little heart was filled with a desire to get hold of a spray can (and a ladder) and strike a blow for the freedom to come out of the closet and admit to my shameful little secret: I have a brain, and I’m not afraid to use it.

I thought perhaps something like this might get the message across.

“As fast? Hell, I can’t imagine any of those jokers doing the Times crossword in less than 45 minutes, never mind 15!”

Having been past again, I have now noticed that the times, although they don’t specify what they’re measured in (or even that they are times) are in the format 1:23:45 which I imagine is hours, minutes and seconds. And the ad is for some sort of “sports drink”, presumably roughly the same as you’d get if you mixed filtered water with a few vitamins. So there you go.